Coughs
by Robotic Fox
Summary: Why did I have to abandon them in their time of need?


I let out a series of painfully hard coughs, my muscles beginning to spasm lightly from the sheer effort of just doing that. I was getting to old for this. Getting to weak… Managing to gulp in a few ragged breaths of air to calm myself down from my recent coughing fit, I finally manage to brave a withering look at my own medicine cat, Runningnose, who was gazing back at me with worried forest green eyes, refusing to say anything about the coughs, and I'm thankful for that.

I was used to it by now.

I didn't even need to look down in front of me to know that I had coughed up some flecks of crimson blood again. I didn't need to be told that my chest was becoming more and more congested than ever before. I didn't need to be told I was getting worse.

I didn't need to be told I was dying.

My body had recently began shaking lightly as my clogged up lungs were struggling to work properly, desperately trying to trap any source of air they could possibly find. I flick my tail around as if to distract from this fact as I watch Runningnose hurriedly begin to mix the concoction of herbs he was preparing to feed me, his paws moving fast as he most likely heard my struggled breathing.

As he heard me slowly suffocate.

I can see the tension and stress in his face as his paws busily tend to his task, making him appear much older than he really was. I don't blame him for it, either. It's been stressful times for everyone in ShadowClan lately.

We've all been looking a little worse for wear lately.

"Is it difficult for you to breathe as well? With your running nose and all?" I said jokingly, feebly trying to lighten up the air and lessen the tension, even if it wasn't the most appropriate thing to do at the moment. I couldn't help it though. Everything has been to depressing as of late.

Why not try to add a little happiness in these dreary times?

I felt another set of coughs beginning to come loose but I quickly laid my head down, forcing them back down with an excruciating amount of willpower, refusing to let them free. I just kept with my feeble smile and gaze playfully back at Runningnose, refusing to show any sign of weakness.

My pride already hurt enough.

"Ha ha…very funny," I heard Runningnose mutter with a roll of his eyes, but I could see the humor glinting subtly beneath them before he noses the herbs in front of me, silently demanding me to eat them.

Finally, my body can't suppress the strain anymore and I let out another round of coughs before I throw him a serious look and rasp out with a surprising amount of pain and effort, "Give these to Cinderfur first…he needs them more than I do at the moment…"

This was true. My deputy was even worse for wear than I was at the moment. He had caught the illness like the rest of the Clan hard and instead of resting like he was supposed too, the fool kept going on with his job loyally until he finally collapsed from exhaustion and illness and had to literally be dragged to the medicine cat den by a patrol he was leading. I dip my head at the thought of him. As much as a fool he was, I was eternally grateful to have such a dedicated cat as deputy. We'd always been great friends in the past…and loyalty among old friends seemed like such a rare occurrence lately.

Suddenly, I notice Runningnose's tail droop to the ground and his ears lay back considerably, instantly making me become enveloped in dread, efficiently snapping me out of my bittersweet, nostalgic thoughts. I gave him a pressing look and I heard him quietly murmur, "Cinderfur is going to be joining the ranks of StarClan very soon…there is nothing I can do for him at this point."

No, no, no….this was all wrong. Things weren't supposed to be turning this way.

I flatten my ears in grief and despair, a feeling of hopelessness flooding my chest as I weakly look up at the ground helplessly, feeling powerless. Oh StarClan…why are you doing this to ShadowClan? We had only just managed to pull ourselves out of Brokenstar's ruthless reign of tyranny, only to be trapped in this realm of weakness, sickness, and rouging cats. Was this even a Clan anymore or just a group of fools leading themselves to their inevitable demise? I really didn't know anymore.

What kind of leader was I? Losing hope in my Clan? But what else was I supposed to think at this point?

I sink my claws deep within the soft dirt in my den as now yet another round of ruthless coughs tremor through my body and more blood spews out of my mouth, filling my mouth with an overwhelmingly foul taste.

Runningnose nudges the herbs closer to me, his eyes solemn and pleading. I sigh heavily, defeated, and comply to his request to eat the herbs, albeit, grudgingly.

I wish he would stop wasting such precious herbs on a sickly old cat like me. So many of my fellow Clanmates were out there suffering, in dire need of these herbs, so why waste them on a cat doomed to die?

Why waste them on a liar?

After I finally managed to choke down the bitter-tasting herbs, Runningnose faced me and quietly mewed, "If these…don't work the way I planned….what are you going to do? What should we do?" His eyes were downcast, his tail wrapping and unwrapping neatly along his paws as he tried to remain stoic.

I stare at the ground anxiously at the thought, scratching absentmindedly in the dirt, creating a bunch of trail marks in them.

"I don't know," I confessed with a strong sense of self-disgust growing more and more in my chest. I was supposed to be these cat's brave and protecting leader. Their guiding hope. I was supposed to make the Clan strong and proud again like it had been so long ago. They thought I had nine lives to make everything right again, to fix what Brokenstar so elegantly destroyed.

But no, I was just as useless as I had been as a warrior, my coughs sending me to an early retirement. Now, to add to my uselessness, my coughs were leading me to my early demise and now, I could add being a liar to the list. I have been lying to my own Clanmates, and now, I was betraying them in their time of need simply because I was to weak and sick to even make it to the Moonstone. I was simply pathetic. 'Nightstar' didn't exist. He was nothing more than a mere façade being played up by me, useless, sick Nightpelt. I felt even dirtier at the thought. I am no leader. I am no warrior.

I am nothing but scum.

"I'm not going to last much longer you know…" I silently murmur weakly, laying my head down. Runningnose looked up in surprise, but then sagged considerably, a sad sigh being uttered through his nose, acceptance and sympathy airing around him.

He had been trying so hard to hide the fact, but we both knew it to be true.

"I'm sorry," he ground out in a melancholy tone. I force a small, encouraging smile for him. Runningnose and I had always been rather close to one another. Empathy might've been what started it you could say. Runningnose with his permanently runny nose and me with my permanent coughs. It was a destined friendship. But now was not the time to reminisce. I had the destiny of the Clan to worry about.

Runningnose was almost as elderly as me now and would have to retire soon. Sure, he had Littlecloud to secede him, but would one medicine cat really help in ShadowClan's time of need? Who would secede me and Cinderfur for that matter? Worry began to pack up again until suddenly, it hit me again. The coughs.

But this time…they were ready to finish me off.

My body began to convulse violently, pain once again enveloping my whole body. I want to scream, but couldn't, the pain taking all of the breath out of my body…or maybe it was the violent, booming coughs exploding out of my chest right now. Blood was beginning to fling out and I was practically begging StarClan to take me now….if only to end this suffering. Now was my time. This was it.

Runningnose gazed at me panicked and I could tell he was trying to plot up some way to save me. I quickly flash him a look that he read clearly. Nothing would work. I watch him cringe weakly at the realization before almost silently rasping, "I'm so sorry I couldn't save you…"

Flashes of white were beginning to obstruct my vision now. Quickly, I turn my head a little and managed to force out through painfully clenched teeth, "Its….o….okay…jus- just please…help…the Clan…p-please…"

Runningnose, sadness glowing in his eyes, dipped his head respectfully, "Yes, sir…"

And with that…I took a few fading my breaths…closing my eyes, my heartbeat booming in my ears as I saw my ancestors start to appear lightly in my eyes. One…two…three…four.

And then, I managed to heave my final breath before everything around me went still and black.

* * *

I watch Nightstar breathe his final breath with grief lighting in my own chest, the promise he made me keep of helping restore the Clan to prosperity once more still fresh in my mind. Despite his self-loathing and façade, I willingly considered him a great leader of ShadowClan, whether he had nine lives or not.

Too bad I wasn't good enough to save him.

I nosed his fur in grief as a final goodbye, shame burning in my stomach at not being able to save my own leader. What kind of medicine cat was I? I really miss Yellowfang…she could've saved him in the same way she saved Cloudpelt. Stupid Brokenstar…

Lifting my head, I stare down at his motionless, still body and said, "May your journey to StarClan be a peaceful one."

What a weak saying, but what else could I say at the moment?

I was just about to pick everything up and preparing to announce the grim news to the rest of the Clan when suddenly, Jaggedtooth came running in the den, yowling, "Nightstar! There's a ThunderClan rogue outside talking about joining the Clan…"

He paused in the middle of his sentence, his mouth agape at the sight of Nightstar's corpse before he finally shakily asked, "Is…is he really….?

I faced him and nodded solemnly, wondering myself where the Clan was heading at this rate…

Jaggedtooth ducked his head in grief for a moment before finishing, "The rogue claimed he's here to help us…do…you want to take over?"

"I might as well," I mewed back coldly. With a dead leader and a dying deputy, it was my job now to run things until we got a replacement, if we could find one healthy enough that is.

Jaggedtooth nodded at me, tearing his gaze from Nightstar's body reluctantly before leading me out the den to see what this ThunderClan rogue wanted.

Don't worry Nightstar, I would try my best to keep your promise.

Just trust me.

* * *

We had been all wrong to trust him. Tigerstar is just as bad as Brokenstar, maybe even worst. He had brought our Clan to power once more…but…not to what it used to be. We were nothing more than cruel pawns, slowly taking over the Clans and destroying the lives of others. We were no better than crowfood.

Cats who had once been friendly had turned vicious and cruel because of Tigerstar's convincing words and the other cats who still seemed to have a sense of morality within them were to scared to speak up, afraid of being the next victim of Tigerstar's cruelty.

I'm sitting in the elders den, looking up at Tigerstar who is sitting on his throne of bones, a smug and pleased look set on his face.

We were all desperate fools who were influenced by the promise of power and restoration and…now…look at us.

I'm afraid my time is limited now. I am aging and seeing how Tigerstar hated any sign of weakness, I feel like my days are numbered. Littlecloud is still loyally keeping to his duties, and I'm proud of him…knowing how stressed he was becoming in these times.

It hasn't been easy on anyone.

I suddenly remember the night of Nightstar's demise and the promise I had made to him and now failed to keep, guilt rising within me. I didn't even know what for. For letting him and Cinderfur die…for not keeping to my promise…for both. It didn't matter now though. They were dead and now Tigerstar was running things, destroying what this forest once had been little by little.

I had brung the next onslaught of horror on my Clan. I had failed to uphold Nightstar's promise.

Staring at the ground and sinking my claws into the wet soil, I silently murmur, "Nightstar…I am so sorry…I didn't keep your promise…"

I'm a failure.

I felt an eerily cold tremor pass through my body in response, making me shudder with both misery and hopelessness.

I'm so sorry.

* * *

**Critique is wanted. **


End file.
